Asshole.

Labs are people too. Wait…No they aren’t. They are dogs. Pets. Man’s Best Friend. Yea, sure, I love animals and all but they aren’t people. If they are people, does that make me a dog? No, that’s right. I can’t easily lick my ass and then take immediate turn straight for my crotch and I can’t hump people’s legs without at least taking them to dinner and a movie. If pissing on fire hydrants and shitting in your lawn makes me a dog, then yes, I am a dog. But that’s it really. I mean if you think about it, if Labrador Retriever’s were people, would I eat them? No. But if my memory is correct, the last time I went to the China Buffet I had some very delicious Lab. Seriously. Even my fortune cookie said, “You just ate Lab. They aren’t people.” So Labs Are Delicious Too. Fortune cookies don’t lie, only bumper stickers lie.

On a serious note, this person is an asshole. Come on, people. You know that if you buy a sticker like this and place it on your bumper, you are an asshole. It’s not even a debate. So before we start stereotyping Labs or Chinese cuisine, we should check the facts:
People Are Assholes Too!

America's Craptime.

I love baseball. Seriously, I really love it. Not only do I love the game itself, but I also love the atmosphere. I can’t think of too many places I would rather be then a baseball game. But you know what I do not love…When two kids sit in front of me with t-shirts with cut-off sleeves. The game was immediately ruined. I can’t tell you who won, the score, who hit home runs, fucking nothing. I was locked onto this image. I waited almost the entire game for these two shoulders to touch and become one. I wanted…actually...I needed to see if it was awkward for these two jerks. And let’s not kid ourselves, these guys are jerks. I wear a cut-off to the gym or to cut the grass, and even then I am not comfortable with it. Wearing such a garment out in public is the same as wearing a sandwich board that says, “Asshole”. How could this even happen?


Jerk 1: “Hey Man, I see you’re wearing a cut-off t-shirt?”

Jerk 2: “Yea Bro, You are too! Sleeves are for wussies and it’s way too hot for sleeves. You know how bad I sweat when I have an extra 4 inches of cloth on my arms.”

Jerk 1: “Here is a great idea! Let’s sit by each other so maybe my tattoo can touch your shoulder and we could laugh about it and tell our co-workers at Arby’s!”

Jerk 2: “I want nothing more then for it to touch me so gently.”


That’s how I see it going down. Nothing else is acceptable. Maybe next time you could wear a jacket. Hell, go shirtless because even that is a step down on my Asshole Meter. But please, if you read this, remember that things like this bother psychos like myself. Have a little respect.

crack kills.

Too many people have told me their disappointment about the death of my previous Shithouse Manifesto columns, that I have decided to allow everyone back inside the madness of my mind. I'll try to post something at least once a week or until there is nothing left that annoys me or that I find mildly hilarious.

I'll post some of my old stuff for the time being. Enjoy or eat my butt trying.